hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
