Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
PANTIES FOUND
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
