I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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