i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
