he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He kissed a someone with a penis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I want a musical about memes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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