And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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