I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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