You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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