Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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