I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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