i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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