i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
someone owes me an orgasm
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
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