DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
