My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
