I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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