Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
