I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
