Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
