hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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