cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
this will be a night to untag.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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