help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
