I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
this boner is exhausting
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
