What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
