david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
