My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
