my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i may or may not be watching the land before time
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
false alarm, still single
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
