Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
