apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
