Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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