I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
