also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
