I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
