You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
