Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
