The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
