Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
