You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just googled if crying burns calories
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
