somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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