I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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