Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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