Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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