i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
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The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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