How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
