My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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