She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
