Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
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You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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