i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
