i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
