I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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