Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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