Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
