Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
