you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I would ride that face into the sunset
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
