As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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