im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
