I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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